i havent wriiten in forever.....

It has been forever since I have written anything on this blog I was so excited about starting, but so much has happened. Where do I start?  I live in a very small town where everyone either knows everyone or we know their faces...This little town has seen so much tragic death since my last entry...Two little girls died in a house fire...One of my oldest friends father who I have known my entire life and who was also my father's classmate in high school took his life....A friend I went to high school with lost her brother and he left behind the most precious little boy and little girl...my dad's very best friend came down with a horrible illness and was just gone....much too soon....I know my father misses him cause I miss him terribly. My husband's father also died..That was devastating to us..I had grown close to him and it made me realize how i could just loose my own father...We almost lost my aunt....almost lost another close family member....Its literally been one person after the other that has died....It has been overwhelming to say the least.... I remember another year that it seemed like alot of death, in 2001. That was the year my grandmother died but several town residents also died...Why is it like that sometimes???? It truly seems like things happen in a cycle...

But on a lighter note we have had good things happen...My husband's sister is pregnant with her second child and first son.. We are over the moon excited and our son can not wait to meet his cousin...This will be the first boy even remotely close to his age...Poor boy has been the lone ranger in the family for a while..He loves his sister who is 11 and his first cousin but she is a girl so he isn't interested in all the things she is...Two of my first cousins are going to be first time grandparents very close to the same time...Which I think is perfect cause those two grew up together...In just days we will have a little girl here and I can remember when her mama was born with the brightest head of redhair I have ever seen I hope the baby has her mother and grandmother's hair..





So all in all this year has been hard on alot of families it seems...Whether it has been health related or finacial...I know the year has been horrible on us personally finacially.....But I do have faith that God will help us thru the tough times...I have already caught a couple of breaks...now if i could just get my car fixed I would be happier...
As long as we stay healthy and our son stays healthy we will be ok....I have faith.

this picture is so peaceful to me...when i feel lost or sad all i have to do is walk outside if there is a full moon and just stare and pray....makes me feel so much better.
 

is this life?

friendships are soo hard lately....why....because i became a wife and mother...i used to think i had the best friends in the world....i still have a couple that haven't deserted me....but even with them its all email and text messages cause we cant get together like we used too but atleast we care enough to try....and i sit here thinking about the old times and the talks we used to have and the laughs we shared...thought it would have lasted forever....it really really makes me sad....

Candlebox Far Behind Lyrics

Send "Far Behind" Ringtone to your Cell

Songwriters: MARTIN, KEVIN COLIN / KLETT, PETER ANDREW / MERCADO, SCOTT / MARTIN, BARDI DAVID

Now maybe
I didn't mean to treat you bad
But I did anyway

Now maybe
Some would say your life was sad
But you lived it anyway

And so maybe
Your friends they stand around
They watch you crumble
As you fall onto the ground

And then someday
Your friends they stand beside
As you were flying
Oh you were flying oh so high

But then some day people look at you
For what they call their own
They watch you suffer
Yeah, they hear you calling home

And then some day we could take our time
To brush the leaves aside
So you can reach us
Hey, but you left me far behind

Now maybe
I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway

Now say, but maybe some would say
You're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain
No, no, no

Couldn't share the pain
They watch you suffer, mmm hmmm

Now maybe
I could have made my own mistakes
But I live with what I've known
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/c/candlebox/far+behind_20026888.html ]
And then maybe
We might share in something great
But won't you look at where we've grown?
Won't you look at where we've gone?

But then someday comes
Tomorrow holds a sense of what I fear for you
In my mind
As you trip the final line

And that cold day when you lost control
Shame you left my life so soon
You should have told me
Hey, but you left me far behind

Now maybe
I didn't meant to treat you oh so bad
Oh, but I did anyway

Now maybe
Some would say you're left with what you had
Oh, but you couldn't share the pain
No, no, no

(Solo)

But maybe
I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
Oh, but I did anyway

No maybe
Some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain

I said, now times have changed your friends
Have come and watch you crumble to the ground
They watch you suffer
Yeah, they hold you down
Hold you down

Maybe brother, maybe love
I didn't mean to treat you bad
But you left me far behind

Left me far behind
Left me far behind

sorry but this is so FREAKING appropiate.....damnit.

most recent migraine.....

today is thursday....and i feel a little bit more normal....you want to know why???? monday night at 9pm i started to get this headache...it covered my whole forehead...my husband and i thought it was just stress over a traffic ticket that i was to take care of on tuesday....so i took the usual meds...and laid down...and laid there the whole night while the headache got worse by the second...when morning came i felt HORRIBLE...my forehead felt like an inflated balloon...my eyes were sooo puffy that they felt like they were trying to swell shut.....went to the courthouse and got the ticket taken care of thanks to derrick peterson(YOUR THE BEST)....by the time i got home i was still feeling soo bad...the pain was starting to move...it was going towards my left temple.....by the late afternoon i was about to die...i looked at the clock and it said 4:42 and i knew that it was too late to go see my family doctor....and i couldn't have handled the ride to dothan to the e.r. ...so i took another round of the usual suspects and laid back down....every time i moved it would throb it felt like an ice pick

just stabbing me over and over with every beat of my heart.....my forehead was now just sore and tired from the headache that had been there...now it was just on my left side....it is just unreal how bad that can hurt.....

that picture accurately describes what i was feeling....so yesterday i woke up and still had the same migraine...it was just getting to be unbearable...so i finally get to go to the doctor and they gave me a shot...i go back home and go back to bed....it just sucks how migraines just take your life away from you...i have a little boy that wants to play with his mommy but she cant cause she has a headache...it just sucks....thank goodness he is such a good baby and knows that mommy can't help it and he even tries to take care of me....i couldn't ask for a better child...
today i still have a headache on the left side but it is starting to ease off slowly...thank GOD!!!! and i am tired...a migraine is like a roller coaster...the beginning of the migraine is like your going up the first hill.......the peak of the migraine is when you are at the top....and then when it starts to leave your heading down the hill...but when you get to the bottom your still just worn out like your body has been at battle...which it has..trying to heal itself....
so if you have a friend or anyone who has migraines and they tell you they have a migraine...just remember its not a simple headache that you can just take two Excedrin and get over it...migraines are debilitating and take your life from you...be nice to people when they are in pain...

to mammaw

tomorrow is my grandmother's birthday...or i should say it would have been....she was born in 1913....i miss her sooo much...more than i could ever put on here....i just know she is tickled pink about brodie...i have told him everything i can about her to him...i have taught him all her sayings....i just know that she sent him to me...that particular little boy....cause when me and him talk about her its like he knows her...he tells me she is in heaven...in outer space....and that daddy's best friend jessie is with her too...i hope he is right...she died august 10th 2001 and it seems like yesterday...i can remember everything about that day...i was actually packing all my stuff ready to move to my new place at the beach....my God how that one day changed my whole life...i had to get my deposit back....un-quit my job...but i remember about that day was driving to the hospital and just knowing she was gone...and the full realization of that fact was when i got out of the car and seeing my dad...walter....and terrell...and i just zoned in on walter for some reason and he had been crying...bad....and i knew...and they told me she was gone...and i just fell....walter caught me.....a part of me died that day.....i have never cried like that in my life....ever....and i was waiting and waiting for andrea to get there.....i needed her there and i was dreading seeing brittany or katelyn....especially brittany......terrell told me to walk with him and smoke a cig...at that point i didnt care who knew i smoked...my daddy even asked if i had a cig which i did....and terrell STILL BUMMED ONE....lol...the next day we all met over at aunt judy and uncle henry's house...and i love love being around all my cousin's but it was sooo sad.....and i was just falling into blackness on the inside.....terrell asked me if i wanted to see something funny...i said sure...we were outside by ourselves smoking and he takes off his hat....omg....bradley had dared him to shave his head...and he had shaved it all off up top all the way to the back of his crown...when he stopped....he said he saw that he wasnt going to like it that way and he figured he could just wear a hat til it grew out...but i tell you what yall i laughed like i have never laughed before....omg its still one of the funniest things i have ever seen in my LIFE.....i ran inside to tell everyone (the family news spreader i am).....and my dad said what in the world are you laughing at.....cause nothing was funny about anything that he could see...i said take off terrells hate....i found walter....i told him just to take terrells hat off....omg i thought he was going to piss himself he laughed so hard...to this day im sooo thankful for that one moment of laughter....we had to go to the wake on walter's bday...can you imagine having to say goodbye on your bday....bless his heart....but i try to tell brodie all about his mam-maw and how she would have just loved and spoiled him to death....i miss you lillie.....i will miss you until the day i join you....i love you forever and always....
danielle

 

hearing me now?

for the majority of my life i have had very bad hearing...half due to family genetics i think cause most of my immediate family on my mom's side are very hard of hearing...and the other half due to the ignorance of a well known ear,nose, and throat doctor who i wont name....when i was about 9 or 10 i had about 7 or 8 ear infections in one year...one infection lasted for almost two weeks...it was this that damaged my hearing so bad....not once did he offer stronger meds or even tubes in my ears...i can remember screaming in pain...it was awful...anyway....today i am 35 and i have the hearing of an 80 or 90 yr old person...very bad....especially in my left ear....and i have told all my friends that i am hard of hearing and to please speak up....i am constantly mis-understanding them or they just roll their eyes and refuse to speak the fk up....SPEAK UP!!!! its not a hard thing to do....and never ever ask me "hey did you hear that?" answer is always no....i do have hearing aids...at the moment i can not wear them cause they dont fit properly anymore and i havent had the funds to get them fixed...donations are welcomed....so if you want to talk to me talk...just speak up slightly....and DONT ROLL YOUR EYES OR SIGH A DEEP BREATHE  when i say "huh?" or "what did you say"....also i have a remarkable ability to be able to tune people out....living with my grandmother and dad all my life you learn to do that...also i know of other people who are hard of hearing or little kids who have to wear hearing aids...they are just like you they just want to be a part of the conversation....

def feels like summer now

well yesterday at the birthday party was so much fun...brodie and ravyn had a blast...i got to play with the cutie pie a.j....he was just craving attention...bless his heart...me and joel wanted to bring him home with us...he was sooo precious...i hope his parents get over themselves a little bit and realize he wont be a baby for long and they should cherish every second with him...
ok off that subject cause i can get fired up about that...
tomorrow is memorial day...i am forever grateful to the armed forces...and to my grandfather daniel madrid sr. he fought in world war 2 and died due to injuries he received in d-day...he is buried in normandy overlooking the ocean....my goal is to one day put flowers on his grave myself...my grandmother was only like a month pregnant with my dad when he died...its so sad they never met but from the love letters he was wishing for a boy..he got his wish...my grandmother never remarried and she loved him until the day she died...she wouldnt talk about him too much cause it was just too painful..they had a whirlwind romance and married after only knowing each other a few weeks...the love letters are awsome....he loved her eyes and legs....
anyways if you have someone in the military thank them...cause they do sacrifice alot...and their families do also.

saturday fun!!!!

today i woke up in extreme pain...trying to rest and let the meds take hold which they really dont want to...we have to go to joel's neice's fifth bday party....yay!!!!!!! she is going to have one of those blow up water slides....i just hope my son enjoys himself cause he isnt fond of water in his face....nor is he a big fan of trying new things..he is such an old man about things sometimes....too careful...thanks to his pawpaw....as i sit here and try to write this he is screaming "smell my piggies" to his daddy....anyways..i hope everything goes good today and i hope to be home by fiveish so they can get in a little play time with anu...but......i also hope they play themselves out and go straight to bed when they get home...aaahhhhh that would be heaven....i just wish i For ONce felt better and felt like a little bit of a human being...maybe one day.

people will piss and moan

i have been listening and voicing my opinion in private over the student who wanted to walk in his graduation...now...this student is also my cousin but that is besides the fact...people are ready to hang the poor child because he wants to walk with his classmates...he fully understands he wont get a diploma at that time but he wants the memory....and really what is he hurting...i have heard people bitch about it..who DON'T have kids even in school anymore...personally i think the exit exam is STUPID...i mean what is the point of working your ass off for a 4.0 when one test can null and void it all...i personally do not test well...i get nervous and tend to over think things....so i know i would not do well if i had to take the exam....and regardless if the kid was "passed" because of sports...that is stupid too...we should pass kids based on merit not whether they can throw a ball...that should be secondary....but what ticks me off is people who are bitching about it and IT DOES NOT CONCERN THEM!!!! if your child is graduating this year...worry about that child...not whether someone else is or not...i mean seriously is it any of yall's concern...nope its not...and people need to chill out...its not like he committed a damn murder or other violent act...he just wanted to walk....that is it...chill out..

thursday night traditions

on thursday nights for atleast 15yrs i know more though we have gathered at my granny volf's house...she cooks for us...now the us...being my immediate family on my mom's side...aunts and uncles and all first cousins...and who ever else wants to join really....and she never ever disappoints...but the thing is....she doesnt run her air conditioner...half the reason is well she is 80 and she just doesnt get that hot anymore and the other half of it is ....her unit is a piece of crap....well after she has cooked all day long in it that house is very very warm....actually its FREAKING HOT!!!!!!!! and we try to delicately tell her "hey we are melting here" but it doesnt work....but i guess one night a week in sweltering heat never hurt anyone right....im just gonna have to turn on every fan in that house.....but i love her and she is worth it...plus her food is the BOMB DIGGITY!!!
i love you granny volf...

changes

i feel the need for change...i am not feeling great...feel heavy....so i am going to start a weight loss program of my design...i will post any progress i have ...good or bad....i just need to change things and im going to try to change me...so here goes everything i have.

a father's friend

today is a sad day.....actually its been sad for a while now...my father's best friend,who was also very special to me, died....when he first got sick they thought it was pneumonia, but the doctor's said he only had a sinus infection...that didnt sound right....so after a biopsy and numerous tests it didnt seem like we were going to find out what was wrong...but they finally pinpointed it...pulmonary fibrosis....and there is basically no treatment or cure....it sucks.....it totally wiped him out...so fast...i wont go into details cause i will start bawling if i think about it too hard...we took my son brodie to the hospital to see "mr. jesse" and brodie looked at him and then looked at me and said, "mama mr. jesse is sick"...yes baby he is....i am trying to think about all the good times...his love for joan...golf....his kids....grandkids....and even his dogs....i loved watching him and joan play around with each other it was always funny....i used to go with my dad over to their house all the time...the first time i went over there his mother was staying with them...Mrs. Annie Byrd....we called her byrd...she was soooo funny to me...he would mess with her and get her all ralled up....it was funny....she could talk out loud because her trach had been removed...but you could still understand her...he would look at her and say "mama" and click his teeth together and for whatever reason she would do it back....and if you weren't careful she would give you a good smack on the butt when you walked by....he was very good to his mama...i know she is so happy to see her jesse again...i miss him so much..he was so funny...always making people laugh....he loved to laugh....its going to be very sad today when we have to say goodbye...i sooo dont want too....but atleast i know he isnt in pain anymore..he is at rest...
bye jt.....love you.

life's goals- well one of them is to go back to nursing school...i want that more than anything...i already have all my basic's i just need to go back and finish...it sucks that the first quarter nursing classes i took dont count anymore but i can just chop them up to experience...i loved it...i truly did...and i was good at it...but i was 19 at the time and i just wasnt ready..i was having nightmares about my check off's and teachers heads turning into something demonic and stressing myself out so much i would cry on the way home from school almost everyday...and it wasnt that i was doing bad grade wise no i was make the best grades of my educational career....now of course i kick myself in the ass every freaking morning that i just didnt stick with it...i so want to finish..i so hope i can...brodie deserves it...i come from a long line of nurses and i am told all the time what a great nurse my grandmother was...i just want to make her proud and to follow in her footsteps.well i think this is all for now....

so i am sitting here trying to do something and the stupid program doesnt want to coorperate with me...dont you just hate that...its not that hard...just type that is it...but noooooooooooo word has other ideas...anyways...i think i will try again later...maybe i should have a shot of vodka before doing so...i am still having serious problems with my neck...and i have been having alot of migraines lately...i have had three this month...and that is just too many....
on to other subjects..i am in the process of reading the Fifty Shades trilogy....hawt stuff...i am on the second book...they are books that discuss a taboo subject but its a page turner that is for sure...
i do wish i could get back on my Topamax but its sooo expensive...ANYONE WANT TO BE MY FAIRY GODMOTHER/FATHER?????? it would be so awsome to be able to take the medicine that would sooo help my migraines and that would also help me loose this damn weight....i felt sooo much better when i had lost all this weight...and as soon as i stopped taking it the weight started creeping back on me...its weird even when you loose the weight you still see that big person in the mirror and in your mind...and i will admit that it sorta pissed some of my friends off...they thought i was on hard drugs which if you really know me would know that is not possible...but i did feel so much better...certainly felt lighter...
i soo wish i could get my neck fixed...that would help soo much...i know its gets worse by the week...but because some doctor mis understood what i was trying to ask him no doctor will see me...its beyond frustrating when no one will help you...thankfully my family doctor does what he can...
its so frustrating when your in pain and people think your just making it up to get attention...well i say FU if you think that about me..im not an attention seeking type person...i rather blend into the background...i always have been...i guess being an only child i just wanted to be left alone and do my own thing...still do....but i love my son and husband with all my heart and i know im not the easiest to deal with....but they deal and for that i am grateful....
Jeez i have been sorta all over the place with this entry...i will think of something clever to say at a later date...perhaps tonight....
danielle
madridalisha@hotmail.com

living with pain

For anyone who knows me I have A LOT of aches and pains....alot of people have called me a hypochondriac but that is not the case at all...im not making these pains up nor am i trying to get attention...#1pain-i have endometriosis and fibroids which cause pain all thru the month and especially that "special" time of the month....#2pain-i have migraines..i have had migraines for as long as i can remember...and to make things extra fun im allergic to the migraine medications...so to get relief i have to medicate myself and go to bed..if i can..i do have a 3 yr old little boy and sometimes laying down just isnt an option....#3pain i have a ruptured disc in my neck...between my C5 and C6 to be exact..i have already had the disc between my C6 and C7 removed, replaced, and fused...and i havent been able to get this current one fixed because no doctor will touch me..that in itself is a whole nother story for another day.....but day before yesterday about 7p.m. i started to get "headachy" nothing really bad just enough to piss me off...then about 10:30p.m. it hit...so i went to bed...i felt the headache alllll night long...i woke up yesterday(wednesday) with the mother of migraines....i just couldnt function...thank God joel was home from work...he was a God sent....he really took control over brodie for me for the day...which i always feel guilty for..i dont know why brodie is his son too so why shouldnt he be able to handle him for the day....anyways i had to stay in bed the whole day....until about 4p.m. i just couldnt shake the migraine...it finally let up enough for me to move around but when i have a bad migraine it always makes me sooo tired afterwards...like my body has been at war...it just wipes me out...im still groggy feeling today...i have to sit here and wait for joel's new tablet to come in the mail before i can lay down...my neck has locked up and is killing me...can't wait to laydown and chill for a bit while brodie takes a nap...then when we get up clean up this living room...it looks like a toy store has exploded in here...then probably outside for BUBBLES!!!!!!!! brodie is all into bubbles right now...i guess it could be worse....well that is all im gonna purge right now...laters!!

how precious life is....

Today is wednesday.....and for the small town i live in life has been very sad since the events of saturday morning when two little girls lost their lives in a fire...of course everyone (including me) has an opinion of what happened and what should happen to the people involved...but does it really matter??? no matter what those girls are never coming back...its just so sad...in this small town we all grew up together...whether we were close friends or not our paths cross at some point in time...i know both parents and at one time or another knew them fairly well...and no matter what anyone's opinion is of them or the things they may or may not have done in the past neither wanted or deserved this..it just shows that you never know what is going to happen in life..and you should cherish every moment you have with your kids and other loved ones...cause you may not get another moment.....my son is three...and at times his is a very challenging three year old...but even when he is having a full blown tantrum i cant help but to point at him and laugh...which usually pisses him off more...but it strikes me as funny cause i know one day i will have that memory to tell him or look back on...so i tell other parents to enjoy their kids...even if they are being bratty..enjoy them cause you may not get to forever..

it all starts here.....

hi world,

i am starting this blog and if you happen to read it awsome!!! but please be warned....i am going to type how i wish...there will be errors...please just read it and enjoy...if i happen to offend anyone i am going to go ahead and say SORRY....cause i am going to be honest first and formost...and write as if no one is reading this...i will however try to be considerate of others the best i can while still making whatever point it is i am trying to make...my name is danielle madrid rollins....i am currently a stay at home mom...i never thought i would be either...i love my little guy more than i could put into words...he keeps me going...i have been married four years and three months...this is the longest i have ever gone without a job or school and i must say...i am ready for one or the other...or both...i plan on going to school and finishing up my nursing degree as soon as brodie starts school...thats the plan...

i guess i should write what the basis of this blog is going to be...mainly just to journal my daily life mostly for myself but any who care to read also...it will be about married life..and being a mommy to a very spunky little boy...what all that involves....well i guess that is all i am going to write at this moment...

danielle