growing up i was raised by my dad with ALOT of help from my grandmother, aka mama aka mam-maw, and they sure did seem to know what they were doing with whatever problem came up in life...here i am with my own child and i have no clue what i am doing....i ache to be able to talk to my mam-maw....i would give my right leg to have one hour with her...to hug her...to show her brodie...he was the only great-grandchild she didnt get to see....and that just sucks....i talk to her all the time...its been 11 years since she has passed and it seems like yesterday...my heart still hurts and aches in my chest...but i feel her with me....its funny she never taught me how to cook but i cook just like her...except for the fried okra that is my granny volf all day long...mam-maw i love you to death but you couldnt fry okra to save your life sweetie....or chocolate cake...i think pat james said it tasted like saw dust...she swore she would NEVER cook one again...and she didnt....thank you pat! lol.....but her mexican cornbread was legendary....her cubed steak fine...and i learned it all from her i can remember watching her cook it...so when i miss her really bad..i cook....
so lately i have been really depressed and sad about whats been going on in my life....my son has had the stomach flu and he is getting better but he still isnt 100%....and i have been having problems with family members that i dont know quite how to deal with....do i cut them out of my life...i have tried over the years to repair them but they dont seem to want to talk things out...and they are always busy...im not busy as far as being unavailable because i am usually always at home...and they really hurt me for being a stay at home mom while my son isnt in school yet...as if that is a character flaw of some sort....like i am a piece of trash...when my plan is to start school or find a job or both when he does start school....that has been the plan all along...he is going to be my only child so what is the harm in me wanting to spend these precious years with him...years i will never get back...
i have thought about this and thought about this until i have literally given myself a stomach ache...and i have decided to pray on it some more...and see where God takes me in this...but know this....I WILL NOT SUBJECT MY SON TO ANYONE WHO IS TOXIC. ANYONE WHO HAS ANYTHING NEGATIVE TO SAY ABOUT ME OR MY HUSBAND WHEN WE ARE NOT AROUND. I DO NOT CARE THE RELATION THEY ARE.PERIOD.
fyi....this is my blog i write how i want to write...so if grammatical error bother you just take a pill and relax it aint the end of the world..ok..i try to catch spelling cause that irks me..lol
First off, thanks for telling me this was up (told you to let me know when you wanted me to read it). Secondly, I hope that last little part wasn't about me with what went on between us recently). Third, don't feel bad about staying home with your child. It's your right, as long as y'all can afford it. Amy is getting to stay home with our third baby (not by choice) but the good thing is since this will almost certainly be our last, she is getting to spend some quality time with her. You and my wife have the same problem. You worry too much about what other people think. I used to be that way. Now I don't give a f____. No one else is living your life, so why should they say how you should live it, unless you ask? If they want a relationship with you, then let them come to you. You have tried. That is all you can do. If they then don't come to you, then those are people you are better off not having in your life. You know that's true too. Just like with me and you, I tried getting things good again a couple of times, then after that I said "So be it. If she wants to be my friend then she will contact me. If not, at least I tried. So my conscience is clear. Use that same principle with them. If you tried, move on and hope they contact you. If not, be at ease cause you are definately not alone. You always have someone here that will do their best to help in whatever way they can. :-) Mikey D
ReplyDeleteno michael none of this is about you...sorry to burst your bubble lol
ReplyDelete