i havent wriiten in forever.....

It has been forever since I have written anything on this blog I was so excited about starting, but so much has happened. Where do I start?  I live in a very small town where everyone either knows everyone or we know their faces...This little town has seen so much tragic death since my last entry...Two little girls died in a house fire...One of my oldest friends father who I have known my entire life and who was also my father's classmate in high school took his life....A friend I went to high school with lost her brother and he left behind the most precious little boy and little girl...my dad's very best friend came down with a horrible illness and was just gone....much too soon....I know my father misses him cause I miss him terribly. My husband's father also died..That was devastating to us..I had grown close to him and it made me realize how i could just loose my own father...We almost lost my aunt....almost lost another close family member....Its literally been one person after the other that has died....It has been overwhelming to say the least.... I remember another year that it seemed like alot of death, in 2001. That was the year my grandmother died but several town residents also died...Why is it like that sometimes???? It truly seems like things happen in a cycle...

But on a lighter note we have had good things happen...My husband's sister is pregnant with her second child and first son.. We are over the moon excited and our son can not wait to meet his cousin...This will be the first boy even remotely close to his age...Poor boy has been the lone ranger in the family for a while..He loves his sister who is 11 and his first cousin but she is a girl so he isn't interested in all the things she is...Two of my first cousins are going to be first time grandparents very close to the same time...Which I think is perfect cause those two grew up together...In just days we will have a little girl here and I can remember when her mama was born with the brightest head of redhair I have ever seen I hope the baby has her mother and grandmother's hair..





So all in all this year has been hard on alot of families it seems...Whether it has been health related or finacial...I know the year has been horrible on us personally finacially.....But I do have faith that God will help us thru the tough times...I have already caught a couple of breaks...now if i could just get my car fixed I would be happier...
As long as we stay healthy and our son stays healthy we will be ok....I have faith.

this picture is so peaceful to me...when i feel lost or sad all i have to do is walk outside if there is a full moon and just stare and pray....makes me feel so much better.
 

is this life?

friendships are soo hard lately....why....because i became a wife and mother...i used to think i had the best friends in the world....i still have a couple that haven't deserted me....but even with them its all email and text messages cause we cant get together like we used too but atleast we care enough to try....and i sit here thinking about the old times and the talks we used to have and the laughs we shared...thought it would have lasted forever....it really really makes me sad....

Candlebox Far Behind Lyrics

Send "Far Behind" Ringtone to your Cell

Songwriters: MARTIN, KEVIN COLIN / KLETT, PETER ANDREW / MERCADO, SCOTT / MARTIN, BARDI DAVID

Now maybe
I didn't mean to treat you bad
But I did anyway

Now maybe
Some would say your life was sad
But you lived it anyway

And so maybe
Your friends they stand around
They watch you crumble
As you fall onto the ground

And then someday
Your friends they stand beside
As you were flying
Oh you were flying oh so high

But then some day people look at you
For what they call their own
They watch you suffer
Yeah, they hear you calling home

And then some day we could take our time
To brush the leaves aside
So you can reach us
Hey, but you left me far behind

Now maybe
I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway

Now say, but maybe some would say
You're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain
No, no, no

Couldn't share the pain
They watch you suffer, mmm hmmm

Now maybe
I could have made my own mistakes
But I live with what I've known
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/c/candlebox/far+behind_20026888.html ]
And then maybe
We might share in something great
But won't you look at where we've grown?
Won't you look at where we've gone?

But then someday comes
Tomorrow holds a sense of what I fear for you
In my mind
As you trip the final line

And that cold day when you lost control
Shame you left my life so soon
You should have told me
Hey, but you left me far behind

Now maybe
I didn't meant to treat you oh so bad
Oh, but I did anyway

Now maybe
Some would say you're left with what you had
Oh, but you couldn't share the pain
No, no, no

(Solo)

But maybe
I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
Oh, but I did anyway

No maybe
Some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain

I said, now times have changed your friends
Have come and watch you crumble to the ground
They watch you suffer
Yeah, they hold you down
Hold you down

Maybe brother, maybe love
I didn't mean to treat you bad
But you left me far behind

Left me far behind
Left me far behind

sorry but this is so FREAKING appropiate.....damnit.

most recent migraine.....

today is thursday....and i feel a little bit more normal....you want to know why???? monday night at 9pm i started to get this headache...it covered my whole forehead...my husband and i thought it was just stress over a traffic ticket that i was to take care of on tuesday....so i took the usual meds...and laid down...and laid there the whole night while the headache got worse by the second...when morning came i felt HORRIBLE...my forehead felt like an inflated balloon...my eyes were sooo puffy that they felt like they were trying to swell shut.....went to the courthouse and got the ticket taken care of thanks to derrick peterson(YOUR THE BEST)....by the time i got home i was still feeling soo bad...the pain was starting to move...it was going towards my left temple.....by the late afternoon i was about to die...i looked at the clock and it said 4:42 and i knew that it was too late to go see my family doctor....and i couldn't have handled the ride to dothan to the e.r. ...so i took another round of the usual suspects and laid back down....every time i moved it would throb it felt like an ice pick

just stabbing me over and over with every beat of my heart.....my forehead was now just sore and tired from the headache that had been there...now it was just on my left side....it is just unreal how bad that can hurt.....

that picture accurately describes what i was feeling....so yesterday i woke up and still had the same migraine...it was just getting to be unbearable...so i finally get to go to the doctor and they gave me a shot...i go back home and go back to bed....it just sucks how migraines just take your life away from you...i have a little boy that wants to play with his mommy but she cant cause she has a headache...it just sucks....thank goodness he is such a good baby and knows that mommy can't help it and he even tries to take care of me....i couldn't ask for a better child...
today i still have a headache on the left side but it is starting to ease off slowly...thank GOD!!!! and i am tired...a migraine is like a roller coaster...the beginning of the migraine is like your going up the first hill.......the peak of the migraine is when you are at the top....and then when it starts to leave your heading down the hill...but when you get to the bottom your still just worn out like your body has been at battle...which it has..trying to heal itself....
so if you have a friend or anyone who has migraines and they tell you they have a migraine...just remember its not a simple headache that you can just take two Excedrin and get over it...migraines are debilitating and take your life from you...be nice to people when they are in pain...

to mammaw

tomorrow is my grandmother's birthday...or i should say it would have been....she was born in 1913....i miss her sooo much...more than i could ever put on here....i just know she is tickled pink about brodie...i have told him everything i can about her to him...i have taught him all her sayings....i just know that she sent him to me...that particular little boy....cause when me and him talk about her its like he knows her...he tells me she is in heaven...in outer space....and that daddy's best friend jessie is with her too...i hope he is right...she died august 10th 2001 and it seems like yesterday...i can remember everything about that day...i was actually packing all my stuff ready to move to my new place at the beach....my God how that one day changed my whole life...i had to get my deposit back....un-quit my job...but i remember about that day was driving to the hospital and just knowing she was gone...and the full realization of that fact was when i got out of the car and seeing my dad...walter....and terrell...and i just zoned in on walter for some reason and he had been crying...bad....and i knew...and they told me she was gone...and i just fell....walter caught me.....a part of me died that day.....i have never cried like that in my life....ever....and i was waiting and waiting for andrea to get there.....i needed her there and i was dreading seeing brittany or katelyn....especially brittany......terrell told me to walk with him and smoke a cig...at that point i didnt care who knew i smoked...my daddy even asked if i had a cig which i did....and terrell STILL BUMMED ONE....lol...the next day we all met over at aunt judy and uncle henry's house...and i love love being around all my cousin's but it was sooo sad.....and i was just falling into blackness on the inside.....terrell asked me if i wanted to see something funny...i said sure...we were outside by ourselves smoking and he takes off his hat....omg....bradley had dared him to shave his head...and he had shaved it all off up top all the way to the back of his crown...when he stopped....he said he saw that he wasnt going to like it that way and he figured he could just wear a hat til it grew out...but i tell you what yall i laughed like i have never laughed before....omg its still one of the funniest things i have ever seen in my LIFE.....i ran inside to tell everyone (the family news spreader i am).....and my dad said what in the world are you laughing at.....cause nothing was funny about anything that he could see...i said take off terrells hate....i found walter....i told him just to take terrells hat off....omg i thought he was going to piss himself he laughed so hard...to this day im sooo thankful for that one moment of laughter....we had to go to the wake on walter's bday...can you imagine having to say goodbye on your bday....bless his heart....but i try to tell brodie all about his mam-maw and how she would have just loved and spoiled him to death....i miss you lillie.....i will miss you until the day i join you....i love you forever and always....
danielle

 

hearing me now?

for the majority of my life i have had very bad hearing...half due to family genetics i think cause most of my immediate family on my mom's side are very hard of hearing...and the other half due to the ignorance of a well known ear,nose, and throat doctor who i wont name....when i was about 9 or 10 i had about 7 or 8 ear infections in one year...one infection lasted for almost two weeks...it was this that damaged my hearing so bad....not once did he offer stronger meds or even tubes in my ears...i can remember screaming in pain...it was awful...anyway....today i am 35 and i have the hearing of an 80 or 90 yr old person...very bad....especially in my left ear....and i have told all my friends that i am hard of hearing and to please speak up....i am constantly mis-understanding them or they just roll their eyes and refuse to speak the fk up....SPEAK UP!!!! its not a hard thing to do....and never ever ask me "hey did you hear that?" answer is always no....i do have hearing aids...at the moment i can not wear them cause they dont fit properly anymore and i havent had the funds to get them fixed...donations are welcomed....so if you want to talk to me talk...just speak up slightly....and DONT ROLL YOUR EYES OR SIGH A DEEP BREATHE  when i say "huh?" or "what did you say"....also i have a remarkable ability to be able to tune people out....living with my grandmother and dad all my life you learn to do that...also i know of other people who are hard of hearing or little kids who have to wear hearing aids...they are just like you they just want to be a part of the conversation....

def feels like summer now

well yesterday at the birthday party was so much fun...brodie and ravyn had a blast...i got to play with the cutie pie a.j....he was just craving attention...bless his heart...me and joel wanted to bring him home with us...he was sooo precious...i hope his parents get over themselves a little bit and realize he wont be a baby for long and they should cherish every second with him...
ok off that subject cause i can get fired up about that...
tomorrow is memorial day...i am forever grateful to the armed forces...and to my grandfather daniel madrid sr. he fought in world war 2 and died due to injuries he received in d-day...he is buried in normandy overlooking the ocean....my goal is to one day put flowers on his grave myself...my grandmother was only like a month pregnant with my dad when he died...its so sad they never met but from the love letters he was wishing for a boy..he got his wish...my grandmother never remarried and she loved him until the day she died...she wouldnt talk about him too much cause it was just too painful..they had a whirlwind romance and married after only knowing each other a few weeks...the love letters are awsome....he loved her eyes and legs....
anyways if you have someone in the military thank them...cause they do sacrifice alot...and their families do also.

saturday fun!!!!

today i woke up in extreme pain...trying to rest and let the meds take hold which they really dont want to...we have to go to joel's neice's fifth bday party....yay!!!!!!! she is going to have one of those blow up water slides....i just hope my son enjoys himself cause he isnt fond of water in his face....nor is he a big fan of trying new things..he is such an old man about things sometimes....too careful...thanks to his pawpaw....as i sit here and try to write this he is screaming "smell my piggies" to his daddy....anyways..i hope everything goes good today and i hope to be home by fiveish so they can get in a little play time with anu...but......i also hope they play themselves out and go straight to bed when they get home...aaahhhhh that would be heaven....i just wish i For ONce felt better and felt like a little bit of a human being...maybe one day.