Over the past month i have been learning how to crochet....something that i have been wanting to do literally since i was about 6 or 7 when i used to watch my granny crochet...she taught me how to do the chain but i couldn't grasp the single crochet stitch just yet...with the help of my husband's ex-wife i FINALLY got it...and it has opened my eyes to EVERYTHING!!!! so many things that i want to do and this is something that is totally mine...and i love that...although i am trying to talk my bestie samantha into learning how cause i think it would help relax her but she is resistant...she has no interest...but seriously IT WOULD HELP...right when i got the hang of the single crochet stitch literally two days later three horrible things happened all on one day to three people that i care about and it affected two people that i care about deeply and my hands were tied to truly help them...other than say "im sorry" and you want to say soooo much more than "im sorry" but what is there to say and you want to do SOMETHING but you cant...cause its out of your hands its out of everyones hands...you have to turn it over to God and just Trust...Crochet also helped me deal with a death of a very close relative let me think about him and not think about things all at the same time....its weird...its like i just go into a little bubble....i love that bubble...

MY SUPERHERO

its been a while since my last post....but alot has changed as far as brodie...he has been putting on weight thank the Lord for that....he has actually been eating which was something he didnt do a lot of for a while...one happy mama right here...but trying to get him to eat healthier proved to be waaaaayy harder than i thought....at first he was on board cause he didnt want to go back to the hospital...but he just cant live with out one thing....CHEESE.....the kid has to have his mac n cheese and cheese pizzas...has too....and the doctor said as long as he stayed regular anything was ok...well alrighty then....he is just growing so fast...so i go pick up the packet for pre-k....im sooo ready to get him into school but not ready to lose my baby....he is my only baby the only one i will ever have...but if his name isnt drawn out of that hat i get to keep him for another year....double edge sword...i do see an advantage cause boys mature slower and they do better the older they are but IM READY TO START MY LIFE....i have plans...i want to start school....i have things i have been putting on hold so i can be a stay at home mom....and i do not regret it for a second...cause these years are years you just do not get back...and i was here for everything i can honestly say that but i am ready to have adult conversations and just have my own life that does not revolve around this house 24/7....

MY SUPERHERO

almost back to normal...

since about Dec. 22nd. brodie has had the worst stomach ache....DISCLAIMER RIGHT NOW I AM GOING TO GO INTO DETAIL CAUSE I AM A MOTHER I LIVED IT FOR A MONTH THIS DOES NOT BOTHER ME AND IF YOUR GOING TO READ IT PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL OR BOY PANTIES OK.....at first i thought i thought it was a bad reaction to some milk...he had some choc. milk and white milk in the same day and sometimes he can handle it and sometimes its not pretty...but that night...it was like WOW...BOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!! and when i say there was an explosion in that poor baby's underwear there was a freaking explosion...so i went into robotmom mode...just stripped him...bed...cleaned him...cleaned the bed...and i know this is going to sound weird and gross but it will make sense later but there was a weird and bad smell...so this went on for three days...he didnt get out of bed...for ANYTHING.....i had to carry him to the bathroom so he could pee...and i started to pack his underwear with tissue and papertowels to give me the few seconds i needed to get him to the bathroom....he couldnt lift his head...we didnt make christmas eve at my grandmother's ...that was the first time ever in my life i have ever missed that...but more important things were happening....he wouldnt drink anything and forget about eating....so christmas day rolled around and i knew there was no way i was taking him anywhere near my cousin's newborn cute as hell baby girl who i had still not met (CAUSE BRODIE HAD BEEN SICK WHEN SHE WAS BORN THIS IS ALSO IMPORTANT YOU WILL SEE LATER) so as much as it killed me we stayed home...and he started to burn up with fever and the weather reports were calling for tornado like conditions and i could just see us having to take him in the middle of all that...so...as much as we hated it we got him up and headed to the hosptial...on christmas day....it was a packed house....but we were actually one of the first ones called when they started calling people back....but poor brodie just couldnt hold his bowels....he wasnt ever really aware he was pooping on himself...i kept him cleaned up as i could but that was very difficult...well the doctor comes in curly head guy with glasses...had a little bit of a mullet just a smig...was nice at first i guess...did no blood work...no stool sample...nothing...just based everything on what triage had worked up and what we told him and decided it was a stomach bug and it had to run its course.....and not to give anything for the diarrhea....that floored me...um nothing...my son has been eating and drinking nothing cant sit up and shit is exploding out his butt and we do nothing...that is your answer is what i want to scream at the doctor...WHICH IS WHAT I WILL DO THE NEXT DAMN TIME...I WILL NO LONGER BE INTIMIDATED BY A MAN OR WOMAN WITH AN M.D.....well i didnt like that at all in my head...he said there were four other kids right now in there e.r. with the same thing...and to follow up with our family doctor...well you bet your sweet bippy i am...so the next morning i was at Dr.B's office bright and early with my sick child and he gave brodie some anti diarrhea medicine and he couldnt understand why the dr at the e.r. didnt do ANYTHING...i can...brodie is on medicaid...i promise you that is the main reason....but anyway...i gave brodie one dose...only one dose...cause i did want it to run its course also but i wanted brodie to have a break cause this was a none stop explosion after explosion something i had never seen before...and it did give him a break...for about five days...he acted like he was better except he was still lethargic he just didnt have any get up and go...still had no interest in his christmas gifts...we were able to go to aunt mary lous to eat new years day lunch...and meet sweet baby aubrey who brodie fell in love with...but we noticed something during those five days...he wasnt passing poop he was passing mucus... i will explain that later...then me and him were hanging out and BOOM!!! bomb went off...ROUND 2....strip him ....strip the bed...clean him and clean the bed...no sleep the whole night with worry...what is going on....this goes on for a few days more...but this time his attitude is way better and he is drinking...not eating..he didnt eat a bite for five whole days...but he was drinking tons...i was giving him a bath and i had had enough...he looked like one of those starving Ethiopian children...skinny arms and legs and looks like they had swallowed a basketball...now i have taken him to the doctore four times from the time all this started...so i said during this bath i am taking him to the doctor the next morning and something is going to happen damnit...something isnt right...so i did...they xrayed his belly at Dr. B's office...and from that it looked like an impaction so they told me to go to the e.r. at Flowers and meet with a surgeon....my heart dropped....i almost lost it....thank the Lord my husband didnt have to work that day...cause i dont think i would have made it through without him....so we went....and it was all fairly fast getting into there... but it was pitiful when they were trying to get his i.v. started so they could get blood....they blew out his vein on his left arm trying to find it and had to move to the right arm...oh that broke my heart....then they did they CT scan which they let me and joel go with him....he did awesome with that...but his arm was boarded up and he wouldnt let you touch that thing and if he didnt know you you better had not touch it...it was a little funny...they told us we would have to stay;...that was scary...he loved the wheelchair ride to his room and having his own bed with his own tv and his own remote...he thought it was pretty cool....me not soo much...so all they need now was poop.....we waited.....and waited and waited and waited.....and poor baby was starving and couldnt eat anything until they knew what they were dealing with....so it was clears....but they let me and him walk around the floor..then the poop...we found out he had C.DIFF...which was because he had taken some antibiotics from early in december and it had gotten rid of all the good stuff in his intestines and the milk prob triggered the bad stuff to breed and viola you have EXPLOSIONS and that is the doctors exact technical term for it...and then when it seemed like it was better except for the clear mucus that is the intestines version of pus...nice huh...so yeah...baby boy was sick...so i would love to casterate that e.r. doc for his let it run its course method without first testing the poop.  ..so after we found all that out brodie was put into isolation cause it is contagious if you come into contact with the poop...but joel and i have not gotten it...its rare for kids to get it they told us....so now he is on a high fiber diet to get the stomach gasses regulated..as much as i can get a four yr old to eat....his belly still blows up like a basketball and he still has horrible sounding gas but his poops are more solid now...and its def got that regular poop smell...trust me if you ever smell C.Diff poop that is a waaaaaaaaay bad smell...just saying....
but thanks to everyone who texted, called, facebooked, emailed, and prayed....it truly meant the world....and i told brodie about each and everyone...
love you
like me and brodie say sometimes  all you need is faith, trust and pixie dust ,,,,,,,,

instructions not included....

growing up i was raised by my dad with ALOT of help from my grandmother, aka mama aka mam-maw, and they sure did seem to know what they were doing with whatever problem came up in life...here i am with my own child and i have no clue what i am doing....i ache to be able to talk to my mam-maw....i would give my right leg to have one hour with her...to hug her...to show her brodie...he was the only great-grandchild she didnt get to see....and that just sucks....i talk to her all the time...its been 11 years since she has passed and it seems like yesterday...my heart still hurts and aches in my chest...but i feel her with me....its funny she never taught me how to cook but i cook just like her...except for the fried okra that is my granny volf all day long...mam-maw i love you to death but you couldnt fry okra to save your life sweetie....or chocolate cake...i think pat james said it tasted like saw dust...she swore she would NEVER cook one again...and she didnt....thank you pat! lol.....but her mexican cornbread was legendary....her cubed steak fine...and i learned it all from her i can remember watching her cook it...so when i miss her really bad..i cook....

so lately i have been really depressed and sad about whats been going on in my life....my son has had the stomach flu and he is getting better but he still isnt 100%....and i have been having problems with family members that i dont know quite how to deal with....do i cut them out of my life...i have tried over the years to repair them but they dont seem to want to talk things out...and they are always busy...im not busy as far as being unavailable because i am usually always at home...and they really hurt me for being a stay at home mom while my son isnt in school yet...as if that is a character flaw of some sort....like i am a piece of trash...when my plan is to start school or find a job or both when he does start school....that has been the plan all along...he is going to be my only child so what is the harm in me wanting to spend these precious years with him...years i will never get back...

i have thought about this and thought about this until i have literally given myself a stomach ache...and i have decided to pray on it some more...and see where God takes me in this...but know this....I WILL NOT SUBJECT MY SON TO ANYONE WHO IS TOXIC. ANYONE WHO HAS ANYTHING NEGATIVE TO SAY ABOUT ME OR MY HUSBAND WHEN WE ARE NOT AROUND. I DO NOT CARE THE RELATION THEY ARE.PERIOD.


fyi....this is my blog i write how i want to write...so if grammatical error bother you just take a pill and relax it aint the end of the world..ok..i try to catch spelling cause that irks me..lol 

just breathe.....

its 11p.m. on a saturday night i am sleepy but of course i am not going to sleep any time soon...my son has had a serious bout with the stomach flu since three days before christmas....he is better but he still is not 100% meaning he still has had moments where he has had to run to the john...but as long as he is running, eating, talking, and playing this mama isnt going to complain about the little oopsy here and there...

this had been the worse brodie has ever been sick....so bad that on christmas day we ended up in the e.r. that night....how awful is that for a four year old...the one day that is supposed to be the happiest day of the whole year for you and you cant enjoy it...poor baby couldnt go to the bathroom by himself..meaning i had to carry him...if he even knew it was coming...most times he had no warning at all...alot of times he wasnt even aware that it was even happening......it was sooo sad....the doctors at the e.r...gave us nothing...told us it had to run its course...now i understand the logic in all of this...but DAMN...my child couldnt even sit up...he wasnt drinking...he wasnt eating...but he was pooping something....so the next day i went to my family doctor and he gave us something that would stop the violent pooping...and that worked....but then other stuff was happening that i wont go into detail with but it was basically the same thing...he still had no energy...still didnt want to  play with anything he had gotten for christmas or go outside and play with his swing-set santa claus brought or anything...he had no energy....this went on for about a week...

then he woke up with a headache and it was like act 2 everything was happing again....but this time he was drinking...atleast he was drinking...and this time i let it run its course like everyone crawled my butt about the first time about (but if you dont have kids you cant tell me that) and for five whole days he ate NOTHING) on the sixth day i managed to get him to eat a bowl of grits...and he ate them...and it was the best thing i had ever seen in my life...he at 10 bites...and kept them in....after he went to sleep he slept for about and hour...and i of course couldnt...he was laying next to me and i was praying to God and thanking him for getting those grits in my baby...when BOOM it sounded like a bomb went off...i jumped up and looked over at brodie and his waist was covered poor baby..and he was crying...i just went into robot mode...stripped him...bed...cleaned him..bed...sheets...mattress...got something for us to sleep on...got something on him...got him settled...that was like and hour and half process....after it was all quiet...i went out into the hall shut the door and just cried....cried like i have never cried before...it had been almost three full weeks of this...and i am tired....emotionally...physically just drained...i want my baby better....i have tried everything...i started praying and praying and praying and praying....and i cried until i had no more tears left....until i had just exhausted myself...and i went back and cuddled up with brodie and went to sleep....

the next morning i woke up before brodie and went to the restroom and came back and he was waking up like he would normally wake up....i said hey baby...and he sat up and said hey mama and started talking like it was just a regular everyday morning...he was better...i couldnt believe it...he was better!!!!!!!!!!!! i have never been more thankful in all my life...THANK YOU GOD!!! he truly answered my prayers that night.....and he has been wide open pretty much ever since.....he isnt 100% his stomach is still if-y at times but he is better and that is all im asking for...

being a stay at home mom gets very lonely at times...especially when you have a sick child.....and having facebook, email, and text makes it so much easier to keep in touch and stay close to loved ones....and i would like to say thank you to all the family and friends and facebook friends who gave me their support and who asked me how brodie was during this time...it truly meant the world to me....and it meant the world to brodie...cause i would tell him that so and so asked about you or so and so said they loved you and wanted you to get better soon...so he knows who asked and who did not...he knows who loves him....

through all this i have also realized there are some that no matter what relation they are to me and brodie i cant make them be apart of our lives and that is ok....im not going to force them...i am going to continue to live my life the best way that i can and raise my son to be the best little boy he can be and he will be just fine without these people because he has been for the first four years of his life he will be for the rest of his life also...

just remember to breathe.....pray.....and believe......

 

i havent wriiten in forever.....

It has been forever since I have written anything on this blog I was so excited about starting, but so much has happened. Where do I start?  I live in a very small town where everyone either knows everyone or we know their faces...This little town has seen so much tragic death since my last entry...Two little girls died in a house fire...One of my oldest friends father who I have known my entire life and who was also my father's classmate in high school took his life....A friend I went to high school with lost her brother and he left behind the most precious little boy and little girl...my dad's very best friend came down with a horrible illness and was just gone....much too soon....I know my father misses him cause I miss him terribly. My husband's father also died..That was devastating to us..I had grown close to him and it made me realize how i could just loose my own father...We almost lost my aunt....almost lost another close family member....Its literally been one person after the other that has died....It has been overwhelming to say the least.... I remember another year that it seemed like alot of death, in 2001. That was the year my grandmother died but several town residents also died...Why is it like that sometimes???? It truly seems like things happen in a cycle...

But on a lighter note we have had good things happen...My husband's sister is pregnant with her second child and first son.. We are over the moon excited and our son can not wait to meet his cousin...This will be the first boy even remotely close to his age...Poor boy has been the lone ranger in the family for a while..He loves his sister who is 11 and his first cousin but she is a girl so he isn't interested in all the things she is...Two of my first cousins are going to be first time grandparents very close to the same time...Which I think is perfect cause those two grew up together...In just days we will have a little girl here and I can remember when her mama was born with the brightest head of redhair I have ever seen I hope the baby has her mother and grandmother's hair..





So all in all this year has been hard on alot of families it seems...Whether it has been health related or finacial...I know the year has been horrible on us personally finacially.....But I do have faith that God will help us thru the tough times...I have already caught a couple of breaks...now if i could just get my car fixed I would be happier...
As long as we stay healthy and our son stays healthy we will be ok....I have faith.

this picture is so peaceful to me...when i feel lost or sad all i have to do is walk outside if there is a full moon and just stare and pray....makes me feel so much better.
 

is this life?

friendships are soo hard lately....why....because i became a wife and mother...i used to think i had the best friends in the world....i still have a couple that haven't deserted me....but even with them its all email and text messages cause we cant get together like we used too but atleast we care enough to try....and i sit here thinking about the old times and the talks we used to have and the laughs we shared...thought it would have lasted forever....it really really makes me sad....

Candlebox Far Behind Lyrics

Send "Far Behind" Ringtone to your Cell

Songwriters: MARTIN, KEVIN COLIN / KLETT, PETER ANDREW / MERCADO, SCOTT / MARTIN, BARDI DAVID

Now maybe
I didn't mean to treat you bad
But I did anyway

Now maybe
Some would say your life was sad
But you lived it anyway

And so maybe
Your friends they stand around
They watch you crumble
As you fall onto the ground

And then someday
Your friends they stand beside
As you were flying
Oh you were flying oh so high

But then some day people look at you
For what they call their own
They watch you suffer
Yeah, they hear you calling home

And then some day we could take our time
To brush the leaves aside
So you can reach us
Hey, but you left me far behind

Now maybe
I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway

Now say, but maybe some would say
You're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain
No, no, no

Couldn't share the pain
They watch you suffer, mmm hmmm

Now maybe
I could have made my own mistakes
But I live with what I've known
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/c/candlebox/far+behind_20026888.html ]
And then maybe
We might share in something great
But won't you look at where we've grown?
Won't you look at where we've gone?

But then someday comes
Tomorrow holds a sense of what I fear for you
In my mind
As you trip the final line

And that cold day when you lost control
Shame you left my life so soon
You should have told me
Hey, but you left me far behind

Now maybe
I didn't meant to treat you oh so bad
Oh, but I did anyway

Now maybe
Some would say you're left with what you had
Oh, but you couldn't share the pain
No, no, no

(Solo)

But maybe
I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
Oh, but I did anyway

No maybe
Some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain

I said, now times have changed your friends
Have come and watch you crumble to the ground
They watch you suffer
Yeah, they hold you down
Hold you down

Maybe brother, maybe love
I didn't mean to treat you bad
But you left me far behind

Left me far behind
Left me far behind

sorry but this is so FREAKING appropiate.....damnit.